Thoughts

By now, I have presented to a few groups about my Guatemalan trip, and each time, it has been so encouraging for others to hear and God-glorifying.
But if I had to be honest, I have to only scratch the surface of processing that trip. These past two weeks have been dreadfully busy and time-consuming; I have been running and gasping for breath, and running some more. I feel like I have slept very little between homework, birthdays, various events, planning for those events, and more. The month of April is my last month of college (Lord willing) and I look ahead to this last stretch with excitement but also weariness. My heart cries out for more of Jesus right now.

However, I do want to share a bit of the trip reflection with y'all...or the beginning of it. The following is an excerpt written the morning after I had arrived, as I sat alone in my apt in my rocking chair with the window open, staring out into my North Texas surroundings :

It is Saturday morning and I am trying to process all that has happened. The problem is, it is hard to convey. My mind is full, my heart is heavy, I am at a loss for words, even in praying.  I am sitting in my room with my window open for the first time, looking out into the sunshine and trees.

This is a completely different world here. The plush carpet, the neat, manicured lawns, the kitchen, my bed, AC rooms, and cars…I can’t quite reconcile it right now. Everything is so familiar, and yet it has not been my world for the past two weeks. What privilege I live in. Where are the indoor hammocks, the humidity, the sound of construction next door? Where are the sounds of people greeting one another, of the laughter of children in their uniforms, the smell from the local panaderia, the sight of Marylou, Martha, or Carlos?

“ALL this for Your glory, all this for Your name. All this for your glory, that in all things that You may have the first place, that in all things you would have pre-eminence. Just put me anywhere, just put your glory in me. Ill serve anywhere, just let me see your beauty…Just catch me up in your story, all my life for your glory, catch me up in your story, all my life for Your glory.”

Who would have ever thought that the girl singing these words at the Onething Conference just 2 months earlier would be in Guatemala in which these lyrics would be fulfilled. I remember singing these words, praying them in my heart, asking the Lord to “take me anywhere where I can share your Gospel.”

For weeks prior to leaving, I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff with a deep chasm before me, teetering on the edge. God was asking me to jump, but I could not. Fear kept me on the edge. Breakthrough came one morning as I was reading through the Word and the Word washed me anew with the rememberance of His great love for me. That knowledge emboldened me, and filled me with such peace. Many talks with Prof. Hopper led me to contemplating being a missionary at some unknown place, disconnected from this advanced, modern world, living long-term developing relationships with the locals. Could I serve by myself? Could I handle being detached from so many people and no longer being networked as I am accustomed to?

Psalm 37:23-24-- the theme of that Saturday morning. The most intense day of spiritual warfare, emotional instability, as I collided against many fears: the fear of walking out of God’s will, the fear of being alone without a team, the fear of physical safety, the fear of the Great Unknown. It was a roller coaster of a day, similar to only one I had experienced many years before. “You will have to fight for this, Syeldy.” I felt like a ship being battered in the midst of a storm. Yet, the incredulity of taking that leap of faith, with the assurance that He said He would never leave me nor forsake me.

For three days, I waited upon the Lord in Guatemala City. Spent my days in the Juarez house, pleading with the Lord to open a door, yet resting and reading my Bible in the meantime...."

My thoughts don't all flow together, and I never did quite "finish" the entry as I ended up weeping the rest of the time (I think), but I wanted to share that bit with y'all. I have yet to go back to my journal entries, but parts of it will surely end up on this blog.

God is good.